JOURNAL

I'll just write some journal entries in here, prob put shit from my irl journal in it too for fun.

Saturday, 10 57pm 03/30/2024 ---
Today was pretty good actually. I spent a lot of it talking to my bigger brother (niki). Niki is cool, he taught me to play OW2 today (didnt really teach me tho..more as healed me while i was playing trashy as crap. lul) I made cookies too! rlly rlly yumyum. When im otp (on the phone) with niki i tend to do dumb shit, he got me to hang myself today LMFAO. will that get nmy site banned? oh well. fuck it. ha. i played videogames all day,, in the morning i played postal -- then mostly OW2. after i got bored i played Doom tho. I like all typa fps/pvp games. not so much pvp tho - they kind of scared me. i even told niki that. when i play with him he just tells me "its okay ill heal u" "ill shield u" n then i end up ded cuz im a goddamn idiot. i play better with solo games like postal n whatnot. did i already mention i made cookies? well i did, they burnt a bit cuz im kind of slow-but still yummy. ate em with ice cream too. im a lot happier on days where i dont have school, school is such a goddamn shit show for me. and it doesnt help im being sent away to boarding school. 10 whole months with no real human contact...shit. just a bunch of fake fucking catholic kids, bleh. im annoyed-of course. i wanna runaway-but ill figure it out. my step-dad tells me not to worry about it. speaking of, i called him today. he seemed a bit sad, which made me a little sad. im sure hes alright tho..i hope lul. today was my bio dads bday but i dont care too much about him aside from the fact he wants to get me my own place. that would be chill, i could see niki every now and then. id be independant. i like that idea. just 10 months of boarding school and ill be okay. whateverrrrrwhatever. just gonna rot in bed with my big brother, the best guy to exist. i love my brother. we talk to eachother essentially everyday. never connected with anyone like him. well, im gonna get a cookie with milk n play some fuckin' roblox. l8r loooooserrrr!

Sunday, 11 45am 03/31/24 ---
rlly bored today, awaiting my big brothers appearance. (is tht how u spell it?) anyway. I got up n played OW2, im still trash lmao..but anyway! I havent been practicing my russian recently - whoops. its easter but ive never understood why its so important. yeah u get a basket n remember when jesus was ressurected but..god is fake. if he were real, then that would be stupid. if god is real, then he loves our suffering. he even said it himself. god is an evil god, satan is far better. i dont agree with a lot of...newer societal agendas. but i think its better to express yourself rather than force your religion upon others. then again - a lot of you idiots dont understand what that means. forcing it upon someone is saying shit like, "youre gonna go to hell if you dont believe in jesus" or if they abuse u psychologically/physically to believe in god. my family is a great example, im being forced to go to a catholic boarding school and if i told them how i feel about god, id probably be locked up in a fucking basement. But all you retards (excuse my french lmao) think someone comingup to you saying "jesus saves" or telling you theyre simply religious and disagree with your ideals isnt forcing. they just live their life differently. i mean yeah - its super annoying dont get me wrong. but for one thing ive learned is christians hide behind a facade. They make it seems like theyre the worst ever, but they just want you to get to heaven. its so complex i could ramble on it for hours. i mean - not everyone wants to get to heaven which is why it may feel forced a lot of the time, but from a religious perspective, heaven is the best thing to exist. Even then though..christians are still vvv judgemental. like-if i were hyper religiuous, i wouldnt burn a homosexual. id do it because i just dont fucking like them already. nothing to do with religion, i just dont like gays. religion is honestly a complex thing. all religions. i hate them all. i hate christianity, islam, judaism, buddhism. i hate it all. its all a bucket of shit. God isnt real. accept that already. were all gonna die and there will be nothing after that. anyway,, enough with my creepy religion shit. still waiting for niki to wake up...i might go eat my easter candy like a littl 7 year old and play more OW. i also might play COD,we'll see. peace out - ill write more either l8r or tmrw. if i dont write on week days, its cuz of school. also i got band practice on sundays for the next few weeks, might not write too much. my apologies lul. anywho-byebye. ^__^

Sunday, 11 42pm 03/31/24
im really..i guess annoyed? i dont know what to do anymore im so miserable. i just wish everything could stop i wish people werent the way they were imjust . exhausted. youd think id be happy cuz yk im talking to my brother rn and i had a decent day already just playing video games n shit but im not. im really distraught honestly. i missed my brother all day, a lot. it seemed like he just wanted to be alone so i let him be alone.but when i dont get to talk to him i tend to shut down and get angry with him . i dont know why i do that, i just do. i hate when hes away for too long. i dont wanna be controlling,,, im not overly attatched i dont think? i just get really lonely when not talking to me. its embarrassing..im embarrassed of myself. i feel like im depending too hard on him and its awkward. like what im saying and doing is too much. i embarass myself in front of him all the time. i wish i could lock myself in a cage. im constantly paranoid he hates me or something,, like im going crazy . like hes only it this friendship for the benefit of himself. is that bad? am i overthinking it? is it because of what ive already been through? do i just sound crazy? but what if i am right yk . what if he doesnt really like me for me. it makes me want to just go away. like i was never meant to be in his life in the first place. im not that important anyway-so would it matter if i just up and left? if i died tonight would he care? am i selfish for thinking these things? i mean at some point these feelings have to make me the bad guy right. like im a monster. i dont know anymore. i just dont want this friendship to be fake, based off fake things. i really really like niki i just dont think im of much significance to him like everyone else is..even after hes told me i am. but when were actually talking he says all kinds of things..it makes me scared. am i deserving of a friendship anyway? i mean it seems as if ive ruined every previous relationship ive ever kept so whats the point in still trying. i wish i could runaway..dig a hole..kill myself. bleed out for nobody to find me...wouldnt that be nice. i wish my existence was erased from everyones thoughts. im not important at all and i dont know why niki still lets me stick around. it feels like im only a burden..like im not what he wants in a friend. like..am i worthy enough to be your friend? do i meet the requirements? no..probably not but..life goes on. it feels like hell leave. he probably will when i go to boarding school. surely hell find new friends. someone better. anyway,, bye bye.

Tuesday, 10 38pm 04/09/24
today was pretty okkkayyyyy...iguess. I had school, which is never good. I hate school, it drains every bit of who i am and turns me into this sad piece of shit. all my friends know how depressed i am and its all because fuckass school. anyway, since ive been gone ive done some cool shit i guess. i got to visit the boarding school im going to and met some other guy that might be attending it with me. hes cool, a little awkward but from what he said the first time we talked he seems pretty chill. im scared to leave niki, i know he probably doesnt care much but it still bothers me. im gonna miss him a lot. im not sure what to really write about to be honest. ive been working out, i wanna join the army and hopefully get my head blown off in ww3 lmao. everything has been feeling more and more fake than it did in the first place. im getting worse mentally but im not gonna do anything about it because its not that big of a deal to me let alone everyone around me. nobody really cares, they never truly will so im just dealing with it on my own, yk? everyday i just wait and say, "just make it to tomorrow" but i dont know how many more times i can tell myself that. i mean, im not just gonna kill myself of course. but im tired of having to function and live like an actual human. i hate myself more and more and more and no matter how much people tell me how good i am i cant bring myself to believe them. because its not true, it never will be. im not patient, im not understanding. im angry, im angry but i choose not to show it. its getting worse everyday and i want someone to see it but i just try to be ok so i dont worry my friends any more than they already are. anyway, i have nothing else to really say.......peace.